Empty Sack. By John Dardenne

2011-04-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Kids talks about Libya in FRESH PERSPECTIVES.

I helped Beck Bennett make this political talk show with kids. The first episode is about Libya. The HuffingtonPost.com even gave us a little write-up!

2010-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

2009-10-09T18:55:00.001-07:00

This is not ad. See this film. It will scare your pants off.

And it looks like it's getting a NATIONWIDE release.

Congratulations Oren Peli, Steven Schneider, and Jason Blum.

2009-08-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

SCHOOL FOR SUCKERS

World Premeire

I'm in the best play in Los Angeles. It opens August 25th at the Lillian Theater at 8pm!

(Show runs every Tuesday and Wednesday from Aug. 25- Sept. 30th)

SCHOOL FOR SUCKERS

Ben Giroux, Juliana Tyson, Sascha Alexander, John Dardenne, and James Robinson

Director: Elissa Weinzimmer

Lillian Theater

1078 Lillian Way

Hollywood, CA 90038

Click here to: BUY TICKETS

2009-04-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

Nintendo DSi commercial

2009-02-24T02:55:00.001-08:00

Reality Star thinks he could have been BATMAN....

(posted on Funny or Die)

2009-02-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

Best Obama Pun!

2009-02-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

John Dardenne at USC

Celebrity Judge: Jeffrey Ross

2009-01-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

PALIN vs. BAMBI

2008-12-17T13:38:00.001-08:00

My Video Made Countdown (kinda)!

Right after Bush got two shoes thrown at him in Iraq, I made a video splicing the Shoe-Throwing with a clip from Austin Powers.

Here's the original I made:

Then Keith did a round-up of the internet's response to the Iraqi reporter playing one-on-one dodgeball with W. He mentions the Austin Powers splice up first.

FULL DISCLOSURE: There are over a hundred videos cutting the Shoes incident with Austin Powers, so I share Countdown credit and glory with my fellow "Web Elves."

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

2008-11-12T07:20:00.001-08:00

Best Obama Impression Yet?

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

2008-11-06T14:33:00.001-08:00

WOW.

2008-11-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

America.

Hi-Res Version

2008-11-05T06:42:00.001-08:00

RUNNIN' an original webisode

2008-11-05T05:41:00.001-08:00

Barn-Burner

Update:

Original Post:

2008-11-05T04:52:00.000-08:00

I doubted you, America.

I anticipated racism and voter fraud.

I feared the Bradley Effect and the Muslim Smear.

I worried you couldn't think for yourself. I worried you couldn't see promise and hope.

I doubted you, America.

But not anymore. Now, I remember why I love you, America.

I'll admit I had my doubts. Even when the polls soared and the crowds grew. Even when I saw the inspiration in all of our eyes, I fantasized a backwards-America stepping into the polls and voting against a good man.

But my nightmare was just that-- a dream. An illusion.

Because November 4th taught us all that we have overcome.

Not in every way and certainly not with every person, but Americans have undoubtedly evolved positively from our selfish and unequal roots.

I doubted you, America, and you proved me wrong.

Thank you.

(Reuters)

2008-11-05T03:59:00.000-08:00

YES WE CAN

2008-11-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

If Obama loses Pennsylvania, it might be Diebold FRAUD...

2008-11-04T02:33:00.000-08:00

VOTE

Change is coming, America. In your pro-America enclaves and your elitist, liberal Sodom and Gomorrahs, change will ring from sea to sea. And many a Republican has cried: “A-ha, but what type of change would Obama bring?” That is the question. And the answer is progress. Too long has “progressive” been a Bill O’Reilly and FOX News boogie-man. We are a nation whose greatest pride and joy is our democratic system—a Darwinian model that evolved from a European Monarchical rule—and it is predicated on progress. We demand that we use our vote to take the corrupt and incompetent out of office and seek better candidates who respond to our needs (a veritable survival of the fittest). So the question really is: “What is a fit America?” Is a fit America one in which all men are created equal? Be they black, white, brown, yellow, or fuchsia. It doesn’t matter what color or sex or race you are, and a President Obama would show that.

Is he a token quota? No. Is this some sort of affirmative action? Absolutely not. Barack Obama, if he is elected president today, will have earned the Presidency fair-and-square on ideas. He will have been elected because of the content of his character, not the color of his skin as Dr. King so famously dreamed. He will be the America Dream personified.

I must temper my emotions with a logical argument because detractors of Obama delight in mocking the commitment, energy, and drive of his supporters. So I won’t say Obama has made me cry. I won’t say that when I see a young minority inspired by a true role model that it makes me proud to be an American. I won’t say that I gave hours of time and hundreds of dollars to Obama. I won’t say that I drove from my apartment in Los Angeles to the suburbs of Las Vegas to knock on doors for a candidate who I believe in. I won’t say all those things because then I’d be setting myself up to get mocked by the McCain campaign. I must be some High-School-Musical-esque fanboy or worse I must have been duped by the terrorist Obama who’s been plotting his secret overthrow of the government for years. But I’m not those things. I’m a college-educated, barely-employed, struggling writer/performer who owns less than Sarah Palin spent at Sachs Fifth Avenue in a day. Don’t call me elitist because I live in Hollywood. Don’t tell me I don’t love this country because I most certainly do. I love this country so much that I didn’t give up on it after the worst president in our history bankrupted our economy, overstretched our military, and raped our constitution. No, instead of giving up on America, I hoped for a better future. Barack Obama didn’t find me; I found him. In the Democratic primary I found a candidate who represents what America was always supposed to be.

I’m voting for Barack Obama.

-John Dardenne

2008-11-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

Super-Barack

2008-11-03T15:55:00.001-08:00

"We Have a Lot of Work to Do"

2008-11-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

CONTRAST

2008-11-03T15:39:00.001-08:00

Is this the McCain Campaign's Justification for a Rigged Election or Merely Cover for Racism?

Campaign Memo in question.

2008-10-31T04:56:00.000-07:00

Obama's Response to McCain's Robo-Calls

2008-10-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

You Can Vote However You Like

2008-10-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

McCain's Palin Problem!

2008-10-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

Obama Means Business

2008-10-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

McCain Doesn't Care about Voter Fraud?

2008-10-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

McCain/Palin's supporters don't know Obama is a Christian

2008-10-25T22:05:00.001-07:00

Closing the Deal

2008-10-25T21:37:00.001-07:00

BIDEN STRIKES BACK

2008-10-25T20:54:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama was

Born in the U.S.A.

2008-10-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

The Obama Medley

2008-10-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ron Howard is Cool

and he likes Obama!

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

2008-10-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

The C Word

by John McCain

2008-10-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

Gallup tries to Cover its Ass

Yesterday Gallup sent an email to its entire mailing list. The subject was, "From Gallup.com: Obama Favored in Key Muslim Countries." Here is the text of the email:

I thought to myself, "Damn. Gallup's feeding this slander about

Obama." But just four hours later Gallup sought to self-correct the politics of their lastest email. I received nearly a dozen new emails from Gallup telling me what other people around the world thought about our election. From Latin America to Japan to the Baltic States, Gallup hoped this barrage of global polling would drown out the controverial email about Muslim countries supporting Obama.

A reminder why this is controversial. Since this campaign started fringe groups have lied that Obama is secretly a Muslim terrorist. To stoke their misguided and inaccurate claim, Republicans have repeatedly claimed Obama has the support of Hamas, a terrorist group, and has cavorted with "terrorists" like Ayers. Gallup messed up. They stoked those xenophobic flames.

I appreciate the late-night attempt to right a wrong, but flushing my email with lobster can't take away the smell of fish.

2008-10-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

By the numbers...

NBC/WSJ Poll

(registered voters; Oct. 17-20)

Obama: 52%

McCain: 42%

Pew Poll

(registered voters; Oct. 16-19)

Obama: 52%

McCain: 38%

Gallup Daily Poll

(registered voters; Oct. 18-20)

Obama: 52%

McCain: 41%

Rasmussen Poll

(Likely voters; 10/21)

Obama: 50%

McCain: 46%

2008-10-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope

(It seems Obama inspires the best in us)

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

2008-10-18T20:54:00.001-07:00

McCain Get Testy with Katie Couric

2008-10-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

What's in a Name?

(specifically the name Barack Obama)

2008-10-17T01:24:00.001-07:00

JOE-THE-UNLICENSED-BACK-TAXES-OWING-PLUMBER (who makes under $250,000 a year)

would get a tax cut under an Obama Administration.

Source: The Politico

2008-10-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

Best George W. Bush Impression Ever?

Jeff Foxworthy Roast - More bloopers are a click away

2008-10-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

McCain is a Dumbass

2008-10-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

(a trailer about Sarah Palin in the style of Oliver Stone's trailer for W.)

Find more videos like this on The Spill.com Movie Community

2008-10-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

FOX NEWS officially Jumps the Shark!

an Urban Dictionary

Definition :

3. jump the shark

The precise moment when you know a program, band, actor, politician, or other public figure has taken a turn for the worse, gone downhill, become irreversibly bad, is unredeemable, etc.; the moment you realize decay has set in.

Example: Tom Cruise jumped the shark the moment he jumped Oprah's couch.

(by M.R. Traska 9/19/05)

Example: Republican organ Fox News posts a blog on its website by its Executive Vice President calling a sitting U.S. Congressman a "Jagoff." Oh yeah, and that Representative is being criticized because he dared to say that anti-Obama racism lurks in Pennsylvania. For real.

Here is FoxNews.com just hours after the final presidential debate. Notice--FOX FORUM: There's a Name for People like Murtha.

That link bring you here:

When Representative John Murtha (D-PA) said that some people in Pennsylvania won't vote for Obama because they are racist, FoxNews.com featured on its front page a link to their Fox Forum. The blog was by Fox News Executive Vice President John Moody. It was called "Moody to Murtha: What a Jagoff."

Ok, so here's what's ridiculous. Moody takes offense to Murtha's claim that "There is no question that western Pennsylvania is a racist area."

1.) In his blog Moody actually agrees with Murtha that Obama is fighting racism in PA. He says "I'm sure there are racists in Pennsylvania...there are probably some who discriminate against others whose skin color is not like theirs.." Dude, you just agreed racism exists in Pennsylvania; hence, Murtha was right about racism existing in western Pennsylvania, and, therefore, the cartoonish outrage that follows is ridiculous.

2.) Moody damns Murtha to "go to hell" for "making such ugly comments about a wonderful part of our country." That's absurd, but it's just the warm up.

3.) Next Moody confides: "Murtha served his country honorably in the military...so I was hesitant to criticize him...," but then proceeds to say, "I don't mean to be ungracious, but he started it." Are you really the Executive Vice President of Fox News? Are there no standards? "He started it." WTF? Is this kindergarden? He didn't pinch your nipples; he spoke truth about racial barriers that exist today.

4.) Finally Moody calls John Murtha a Jagoff. Yes, Mr. Moody, you and Rep. Murtha agree that there is racism in western PA, but I guess telling him to "go to hell" was just not strong enough for a Fox News blog. You needed to end your talking points rant with a titular reference to pay off your zany, edgy blog heading. I mean if you write a blog called "Moody to Murtha: What a Jagoff," you better put jagoff in the text. And you did. You debased important social and racial discourse down to the realm of masturbation. You claimed as you were name calling that "he started it" and while expressing remorse, you damned a veteran and current U.S Representative to hell, and you are the Executive Vice President of Fox News? And the blog was linked from the front page of Fox News? And you called John Murtha a Jagoff? You are a Jag-ass.

Not that you haven't already done some pathetic shit, but FOX NEWS you just jumped the shark.

2008-10-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

New Trailer for MAVERICKS! The Movie

2008-10-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

Obama Schools McCain on Iran!

2008-10-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Mark Wahlberg HATES it, but I think it's pretty funny. Update: Wahlberg THREATENS Andy Samburg.

2008-10-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

If McCain's Straight Talk was real...

2008-10-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Thank You, David Letterman!

2008-10-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

MCCAIN ATTACKS!!

Hypocrisy in Action

This is a still from a McCain attack ad ironically called "Hypo" (hypocrite). Clearly John McCain calls Barack Obama a liar.

Now.......here is John McCain's latest attack ad against Barack Obama. Notice how Obama is called "not presidential" for saying "folks are lying."

Sooooo, McCain can say Obama lied, but Obama is "not presidential" when he says someone lied. Hmmmmmm...

RESULT: John McCain is a hypocrite.

2008-10-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

When the "Straight Talk" hits the road...

Republican John McCain prides himself on his reputation for "Straight Talk." Coincidentally, his campaign has been surprisingly honest. Please enjoy the Top Five most appalling admissions from the McCain Campaign.

5.) "How long have I been at this, like five weeks? So there hadn't been whole lot that I've promised."

-McCain's VP pick Sarah Palin

Chicago Sun-Times, from VP Debate 10/2/08

4a.) "We are looking forward to turning a page on this financial crisis and getting back to discussing Mr. Obama.."

-McCain's senior advisor Greg Strimple

The Washington Post, 10/6/08

4b.) "If we keep talking about the economic crisis, we're going to lose."

-A top McCain strategist

NY Daily News, 10/5/08

3.) "I am a proud conservative, liberal Republica--- conservative Republican. Hello? Easy there."

-GOP Presidential Candidate John McCain

Talking Points Memo(video), 2/28/08

2.) "And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you [Biden] want to hear..."

-McCain's VP pick Sarah Palin

CNN transcript from VP Debate, 10/2/08

1.) "This election is not about issues."

-McCain's Campaign Manager Rick Davis (former lobbyist)

The Washington Post, 9/2/08

2008-10-06T01:17:00.000-07:00

McCain's Sordid History of Deregulation

Obama strikes back! KeatingEconomics.com

McCain and Keating wear funny hats while America's economy deregulates itself into a disaster.

The Keating 5 Scandal.........starring John McCain.

2008-09-28T12:51:00.001-07:00

McCain Changes....His Mind

2008-09-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

McCain fails the Economic POP QUIZ!

2008-09-21T03:20:00.001-07:00

Change is coming--of your ideals, Mr. McCain.

read more | digg story

2008-09-01T22:55:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin: Anti-Feminist

Men and women can be both be feminists and anti-feminists. By feminists I mean people who believe men and women are equal and should be treated accordingly, and by anti-feminists I mean people who perpetuate or condone sexist behavior.

Gov. Sarah Palin (AK), John's McCain's candidate for VP, is an anti-feminist.

First and foremost, by joining the Republican ticket, she has sided with the Bush-McCain economic strategy that protects wage discrimination against women. Protects discrimination. I don't expect her to be monitoring workplaces, but now that she's on the McCain team, what do you think she's gonna do in the Oval Office? If she won't support equal pay for equal work, why don't we pay her 80% of the Vice President's salary? Maybe then she'd get it.

Second: choice. It is a woman's right to chose how she controls her body. But not in the Palin home. Sarah Palin would outlaw abortion if she could. I know it sounds good to some people, but in reality a reversal of Roe v. Wade would force women to seek out the worst of treatment. Sarah Palin and I can amicably disagree about this issue, but beyond a shadow of a doubt, her position is not that of a feminist.

Third is Iraq. For some of us the only feminism-related connection we can conjure about Iraq is that it's a shame our soldiers seem to rape so many women there. And that is a shame, but I don't think it's a tenable, feminist position to advocate staying there. This nation has a choice. We can vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin and win this war. Victory, not retreat. YAY!! Or we can make a statement to the world that we fucked up. We invaded a soviegn nation under false pretenses. I mean, Jesus, we still claim we're executing the will of the United Nations, but interestingly the UN didn't agree with our decision to invade Iraq. And now they don't want us there. The Iraqis don't want us there, and their President is saying it. Maybe, just maybe, victory in Iraq is leaving Iraq. Now that's feminist. Dump the abusive boyfriend who keeps killing your troops and bankrupting your nation. But Sarah Palin just married him.

2008-07-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

THE WORLD'S GREATEST IMPROV SUGGESTOR

2008-02-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

Top Ten REAL REASONS to Vote for Barack Obama

10.) HE’S TAKEN THE LEAD!
Obama has won 20 states. Clinton has 11. In delegates, CBS News reports a new lead for Obama even with Super Delegates factored in: 1,134 to 1,131... And he’s polling double-digit leads ahead of Hillary in Maryland and Virginia.

9.) HE’S BETTER AGAINST MCCAIN
Obama beats McCain by wider margins than Hillary. CNN polls Obama ahead of McCain by 8 points! (52-44%) while Hillary is up but within the margin of error (50-47%), Also, TIME polls Obama comfortably leading McCain 48-41% while Hillary ties 46-46%. Obama has won the last 6 head-to-head polls with McCain. This trend will continue. Obama saw the momentum swing his way with victories in Louisiana, Washington, Nebraska, and Maine while McCain dealt with embarrassing losses to Huckabee in Kansas and Louisiana.

8.) HE’LL IMPROVE OUR STANDING IN THE WORLD (ON DAY ONE)
The Baltimore Sun reports:
(Sen. Patrick) Leahy, a six-term veteran and a longstanding opponent of the war in Iraq, said that he admires fellow Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York and former colleague John Edwards of North Carolina but that he thinks Obama is better able to "express America's values" to the world. "I believe many around the world have lost respect for America," Leahy said. "We can restore that respect, but we need a president who can reintroduce America to the world."

7.) HE’S GOT CLASS AND PINACHE
Remember the Iowa Debate?

6.) HE’LL USE DIPLOMACY WITH IRAN
Hillary voted for the Kyl/Lieberman Amendment which designated the Iranian Revolutionary Guard as terrorists. Joe Biden, who’s been in the Senate for 35 years, emphasized those who voted for that amendment “absolutely, unequivocally, positively, now share responsibility for a possible war with Iran.” (Hardball with Chris Matthews)

Obama was campaigning during the vote, but opposed the measure arguing in an editorial that sensible policy “...must be done through tough and direct diplomacy with Iran, which I have supported, and which Sen. Clinton has called ‘naive and irresponsible. Sen. Clinton says she was merely voting for more diplomacy, not war with Iran. If this has a familiar ring, it should.” (NH Union Leader 10/11/07)

5.) SHE’S JUST LIKE RUDY Hillary addressed the Senate when voting to invade Iraq:
“And finally, on another personal note, I come to this decision from the perspective of a Senator from New York who has seen all too closely the consequences of last year's terrible attacks on our nation. In balancing the risks of action versus inaction, I think New Yorkers who have gone through the fires of hell may be more attuned to the risk of not acting. I know that I am.”

It would be a valid argument to attack Iraq if the terrorists who attacked us were based there, but by scapegoating Iraqis for 9/11, Hillary sounds a lot like Rudy Giuliani. Stay on offense?

4.) HE’S THE TORCH BEARER OF A NEW GENERATION

JFK’s daughter, Caroline Kennedy, wrote in the NY Times:
“I have never had a president who inspired me the way people tell me that my father inspired them. But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be that president — not just for me, but for a new generation of Americans.” And now Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, and countless other progressive leaders agree.

3.) HE’S THE GREENEST

In an NPR debate in December, Obama said:
"I've put forward one of the most aggressive proposals out there [on climate change], but the science seems to be coming in indicating it's accelerating even more quickly with every passing day. And by the time I take office, I think we're going to have to have a serious conversation about how drastic steps we need to take to address it." Here is a detailed accounting of his future environmental policies.

2.) HE DIDN’T VOTE FOR THE WAR

She voted for the Iraq War...
Oct 10th, 2002: Hillary said, “This is probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make...but I cast it with conviction.”

He opposed Iraq from the start...
Oct. 26th, 2002: Barack said, “I don’t oppose war in all circumstances...what I do oppose is a dumb war.”

Flash forward to 2008. Bill Clinton says Obama and Hillary's positions on Iraq are the same. He says Obama's oppposition to the war was a "fairy tale." I don't think Obama's statement in the California Debate was a fairy tale: “I don't want to just end the war, I want to end the mind-set that got us into war in the first place."

1.) FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA
Watch her stump in Iowa. When no one believed, she did. What a team.

2008-02-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

My OBAMA VIDEOS

Obama Christmas

Obama Christmas 2

Obama '08: Let Her Cry

2007-07-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

John Dardenne takes the CNN/YOUTUBE Presidential Debate Questions to the next level.

2007-06-16T17:18:00.001-07:00

John Dardenne Live at USC

2/19/07

2006-12-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

Sluttier than Paris

2006-10-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

FAMILY POLITICS

My father, State Senator Jay Dardenne-R Louisiana, is campaigning for Secretary of State. He's an ethical guy who is surronded by corruption, but recently during the heated primary election, he was victim of a fellow candidate's smear blitz. In response, he made a commercial revealing the questionable nature of his accusor. This is that commercial. Brilliant.

2006-09-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

HOT DOG P.S.A.

This commercial was completely improvised. Shot by Dave Crabtree.

2006-08-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

For people who like eccentric (see: crazy) celebrities, Tom Cruise is a wet dream. One of those wake up in the morning, how did this happen, now I need to shower kind of dreams. The kind of Michael Jackson/George Michael/Pee-Wee Herman holy shit you guys make it too easy for Late Night jokes kinda dreams.

He keeps underhand-pitching us these comedic softballs. An alcoholic, minor-league prospect separated from the game for decades could hit these over the Green Monster.

My point is that he’s sabotaged his pre-constructed image as an American protagonist. He was a grinning everyman who could get the girl, save the world, and kick the bad guy’s ass. Now he’s tabloid fodder. He’s spawned more internet chatter than Vivid’s RAPES ON A PLANE (Starring Samuel L. Wackson).

Ok, I’m losing focus. The issue of today is where will Cruise go? Which studio will take him and what movies will he make?

Tom. If ever you can quiet the voices in your head, now is the time. Goodbye Xenu. Goodbye posthumous whispers from Goose. Is it clear? Totally? Ok. Listen up, baby. I got your next movie.

You play an aging actor who's loosing it. EVERYONE WILL SEE IT. The appeal of the real. Fact is always stranger than fiction. And make the actor a closet homosexual. Just for kicks. Seriously, if Tom plays gay, it might save his career. It would invigorate and reinvent his entire acting portfolio. Never has Cruise rebuked his critics in such a self-deprecating and intriguing way. Hollywood, make this fucking movie. Everyone in America knows the source material. He would finally win his Oscar. God damnit, can't you see this film could save your Days-of-Thunder, you-complete-me, Cocktail-swigging career. If ever you listen to me Thomas, listen now.

Maybe it's a comedy. We can see you behind the scenes, responding to the harsh and cruel media machine. We can humanize your struggle for acceptance and public support. We can re-create clever, but memorable versions of the Matt Lauer interview and the Oprah appearance. We can even use the Katie Holmes character. Obviously, she's not talented enough to play herself, but what if we got Amy Adams? She's talented, beautiful, and she's convincing as a naive young starlet who might stumble into the cesspool of commercial packaging and image control that is Hollywood. She might actually fall in love with the Cruise character who marries her and opportunistically uses her to maintain a successful and prominent heterosexual image. Cruise, Wagner. Tom, Paula. This is your next fucking movie. Don't let foolish pride blind you from your desire to make meaningful mass entertainment.

Rock Hudson waited too long to come clean. Right now you need to play up the gay issue. Maybe Paramount fired you discriminatorily. Ever think of that? Maybe this flick is like Philadelphia. It's a court room. You can do the whole "I want the truth" routine. Tom, listen. This is brilliant. Sheer genius. Do your realize I'm just giving you the biggest break of your life? I don't mind. I just want everyone to be happy. Make this movie. Call it Code Red, and fucking own it. If someone asks if you ordered the script for Code Red you better say "you're goddamn right I did." You better.

Who’s with me? I’m out to Peter Weir to direct. TomTom, call me crazy. Maybe I’m totally outta line. Maybe you’ll sue me and force me to shut down my free blog. Maybe this slanderous gossip is just what is so wrong with contemporary America. Or maybe, just maybe you’re about to win an Academy Award. Conceive, believe, achieve. Take a chance on me, Tom Cruise. Dream with me. WWLRHD?

2006-08-02T00:09:00.000-07:00

So Mel pulled some serious Riggs-shit in Malibu. Everybody on the force knows he’s unstable but it looks like he finally snapped in that highly entertaining and photogenic way. Even this dude’s breakdowns are dramatic. He’s a total actor.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE A HAPPY DRUNK?

Dear Mel Gibson,

Sir, I’m sure you’re familiar with my work. My article “The Passion, I Give it Two Arms Up!” delighted audiences both young and old last year. It was a rousing contemporary parody of film reviews and movie-gossip web blogging. Frankly, sir, it was some of my best shit (at the time). But since then I’ve been forced to reinvent myself as a writer. Sure, I’ve ventured into politics, religion, and relationships but my real joy, my real Passion (besides puns) is crafting humorous pieces about you and your uproarious escapades.

Therefore, when I heard about your latest bombshell, I thought to myself, “My, oh my. Mel has done it again!” You old BIRE ON A WIRE bastard. I, for the life of me (specifically half-Jewish life), can’t believe you allowed yourself to explode like the Hindenburg that you are. When I get drunk I piss myself and make out with fat chicks. You turn into Ed Norton from AMERICAN HISTORY X. It’s horrible and everything, but it does make me feel a little better about the bladder issues.

Man, I was so off. I had you pegged as the caring father from RANSOM. Was that merely window-dressing by talented director Ron Howard? Were you just acting? I guess I was a fool. Maybe after LETHAL WEAPON 4, you renounced the cop way of life. Maybe you’re so tired of playing cops that you had this backlash against them. Maybe you were just doing research for your next movie where you play a close-minded town drunk who falls in love with Goldie Hawn. I don’t know what films are on your docket, Sir. These are just my CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

Look, I’m a friend. I know things are crazy now. Super agent Ari Emanuel, the real life Ari from ENTOURAGE, has publicly called for Hollywood to shun you. Dude, Ari is like a rabid dog with a migraine. You don’t want him on your bad side. C’mon, Mel. Send over some chocolate covered Matzo to the Endeavor office. No wait. You know what? They’re not gonna eat it. They know you’d probably spit in it with your do-unto-others saliva. I think the only way you—feature film actor/director/producer Mel Gibson—can get out of this situation—DUI followed by extemporaneous anti-Semitic debate—is to resolve the war between Israel and Hezbollah.

Like little baby Jesus himself, you have been chosen to be the peacemaker. We need you to be a liaison between the Hezbollah terrorists who love your Jew-bashing and the Israelis who can’t get enough of WHAT WOMEN WANT. I guess that one’s universal. (Actually was a Paramount release) C’mon Mel, whadda ya say? America needs you. We need a [THE] PATRIOT, not some hot-headed MAD MAX. Mel, the Israelis are just looking for PAYBACK while the terrorists, I’m sorry, while the freedom fighters (as you know them) just need the right SIGNS. You can be the middle-man. I know it sounds a little Jewish. But it also sounds a little brilliant.

For the sake of full-disclosure, you should know I talked to some of my Jewish friends and it looks like you were right. This was part of an over-arching Jewish conspiracy. They had set up a DUI roadblock hoping to catch prominent Christian film personalities who were just minding their own businesses driving intoxicated down the dangerous Pacific Coast Highway. The Jewish Police were probably just making up for lost time after all their exiles and bondage and whatnot. Talk about I told you so, right Mel! My source even told me that this was a strategic strike by the Israeli Army aimed at seriously disrupting the post-production of APOCALYPTO. Sadly, like most missions, there was collateral damage. Jim Caviezel was issued a warning for having a blown tail-light and in an ironic accident, Danny Glover was shot by a cop who was supposed to retire yesterday. Apparently when the Jews rule the road, no one is safe. Especially not Glover.

So I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but like I said, your fictitious partner is dead. Your character must be very upset. My condolences. Mr. Gibson, I know your time is valuable and I credit you for reading so far. I’m not gonna keep busting your balls. God will do that. (I’m not really THAT religious, but the joke works). Instead I will end with the phrase “Sugar Tits.” Apparently you referred to one of the female arresting officers as said nickname. My question to you is, “Do you think women will take that kind of treatment in the workplace?” Jesus Christ hung with the prostitutes and didn’t drunkenly call them slags. Look, Mel, buddy, women these days like it when you treat them with respect. They want to be your equal. Equals. That gives me an idea. Splenda Tits. Yeah, Splenda Tits. That’s what you should have said. It’s all in the delivery. Good luck with everything. Hey, maybe when this is all over I could buy you a drink sometime. I know this great place up the PCH. You drive.

-John Dardenne

P.S. Can intern at Icon? I'm totally experienced. Seriously.

2006-08-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

WHY Y2K?

Y2K was such a bummer. The logic was that when the year 1999 turned into 2000 it would possibly confuse some computers who use only two digits to describe the year. When these computers changed from 99 to 00, they might not fully understand that 00 means 2000, not I guess 00 A.D. As harmless as this sounds, the world raced to Y2K-Proof all the computers they could. But there just wasn’t enough time! Here I was thinking that we were going to have this kick-ass meltdown with everything going haywire and people roaming the streets in fashionable gangs like in THE WARRIORS. But instead we got absolutely nothing. I didn’t even need to bring my home computer to the store or anything. That shit didn’t affect me at all, and that made me sad. Why weren’t we good enough for Y2K? Why couldn’t it throw our society into chaos? Was it seeing other societies and if so did they go all the way? If they did, I would like to see what happened because around here everyone on TV seemed to think Y2K was a pretty scary thing. The news reported Y2K as this potential electronic meltdown of (and I know it seems hard to believe now) doomsday proportions. Remember when we saw the millennium breach the first time zones near Fiji? CNN reported each hour as each time zone crossed the 2000 year mark. We were entranced by the amazing fact that nothing happened at all. There wasn’t even a bank robbery! Ok, nationally there were probably a couple, but what I’m saying is Y2K was like a girl everyone says is totally easy who won’t even kiss you. NOT EVEN ON THE CHEEK! Y2K, you fucking prude! I took you out to dinner. I introduced you to my parents. Jesus Christ. What do you want from me? I can’t keep living this lie. This is over. And you know what? I was sleeping with Bird Flu.

2006-07-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

MARRIED TO GAY MARRIAGE

I'm not gay. I've pondered the thought though. Is that for me? Is that me? I don't think it is but that momentary trial is more than most straight guys would admit to doing. Even beginning an article of this nature with the opening "I'm not gay" is both a little homophobic and a little gay. Only a gay man would start an article with the statement "I'm not gay." Right?

These stereotypes and constant conspiracy theories pervade our bifurcated society. There is a divide between those who believe gay-dom (gay marriage, casual hook-ups, random appearances on BRAVO) is a sin and those who choose to put more focus and attention on their own insignificant and sexually confused lives.

Kinsey says we're all a little gay which explains the success of SUDDENLY SUSAN. These days everyone's bi from the girls in your dorm to twelve-year-olds who watch NEXT all day and throw rainbow parties all night. If Hillary runs for President, I won't be surprised when her people set up a triple-kiss photo shoot with Britney and Madonna. That'll definitely get people to the polls.

Back to the point. There is a strong contingent in American society which rejects the notion of gay marriage so much so that they want to pass a constitutional amendment preserving the union as guy/girl only. I think this is bullshit. Scientifically, we as a people agree that homosexuality is not a choice made on your sixteenth birthday, but a biological certainty like eye color and tit size. Should we pass a constitutional amendment that says women with size C tits cannot marry men with uni-brows and widow's peaks. Mendel would shit his plant pollinating ass. Somehow the more technologically advanced we become, the stupider we act. Now, more than ever, we know that homosexuality is not an active choice made to "ruin" nuclear families and spread communicable diseases. It's an alternative way of life controlled by genetics.

Somehow, we still cannot get over the thousand-year-old gay riddle but AMAZINGLY in our gay-bashing society, women can have abortions, guys can pay for sex (What happens on the corner of Crenshaw and Washington, stays on the corner of Crenshaw and Washington), and weed can be used for medicinal purposes (But don't even thinking about sucking that dick). "Not in my back yard. No seriously, can you just go somewhere else. I'm gay too, but this is my back yard man. C'mon. Aw jeez. Just mow the lawn when you’re done. HEY! That's not what I meant."

I guess the burning question in my mind is "What do you conservative right-wingers gain from suppressing gay marriage." I saw a picture in the paper showing the Louisiana legislature right after they passed a ban or at least thwarted an attempt to legalize gay marriage. Two lawmakers were high-fiving each other. Two lawmakers who are assumedly raging heterosexuals. HOORAY!!! We stopped other people from being happy! We passed a fucking Jim Crow law. Get off your high horse with your close-minded constituency and stand up for the American citizens you are trying to disenfranchise.

For God's sake the world is over-heating, our weapons stand ready to annihilate the entire planetary population, and millions die every day from poverty and disease. But you know what? Please, waste your legislative time and energy on keeping gays down. I think that's a great choice to make.

2006-07-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

THE SUICIDES ARE NOT MY FAULT

I can’t keep blaming myself for what happens in Romeo and Juliet. It’s a fictitious stage play that I cannot control. It has remained intact for hundreds of years. It is a tragedy, and there’s nothing I can do about it. But. But…

Dammit, Tybalt. Everyone knows your temper will get you in trouble. Why can’t you and Mercutio just go to the blacksmith and design a rapier together or something?

And the Friar. Don’t get me started on the motherfucking Friar. You married those star-struck, star-crossed, starry-eyed kids. How could you let this happen? You’re supposed to be a man of God. Dammit, Friar if you’re going to send a message to someone, you gotta ask for a FedEx return receipt. That’s just good business practice. But then again, you work for yourself, don’t you Friar. So I doubt you’re gonna Friar fire yourself.

But the Apothecary. What are you doing giving drugs to children?? Juliet begged. I know. But- But—it’s just not right. She and Romeo would have been so happy together. They would have founded a non-profit organization to help starving Montagues and Capulets across the globe (planet not theatre).

And Romeo. Romeo. Where for art, thou Romeo? Why do you take the easy way out? The love of your life is dead (seemingly). Anyone could take their own life. But you, Romeo, you could devote your life to a better understanding of paralyzing drugs and a more reliable courier system. It’s what Juliet would have wanted.

Juliet. I know you’re scared and I know you’re pregnant. I can read between the lines. I know you have twins on the way and the last thing you need is another suitor. I know the father isn’t Romeo. It’s Othello—that rat bastard. I know you’re actually a lesbian, Juliet. I saw the photos of you at that rally. And….I know you’re H.I.V. positive, Juliet. I infer what Shakes is getting at, and it all just makes me sadder for the ending.

I know it’s not my fault, but every time I read the story I can’t help but think that maybe if I intervened, maybe, just maybe I could save their lives. But I never intervene. I respect the independent nature of a “published play.” I cannot “change” the ending. Or make the tale “happy.” So I’m forced to live the life I can control and make my own Happy Endings.

2006-07-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

STILLS FROM NEW SHORT FILM!

HERE'S THE SHORT FILM

2006-07-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

DARDENNE'S UCB LEVEL 2 SHOW

(I'm in the orange)

PART ONE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPG_AYbfUGg&search=ucb

PART TWOhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTFxxAtwU88&search=ucb

2006-07-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

How to Befriend a Celebrity?

First of all this is not about name dropping. So I delivered a package to Minnie Driver's house in the Hills and rubbed elbows with Charlton Heston at a brunch. I don't boast about seeing Robert Downey Jr. on the boardwalk in Venice or running into Dustin Hoffman in an underground parking structure on Rodeo Drive. These aren't things I giddily post on the web to prove how well I'm doing in Hollywood. These are just cold, hard facts of my existence in the City of Angels. SO. Since I've proved myself as a celeb-magnet, I've got some advice if you wanna get down with the celebrities.

First, DO NOT recognize them. I know this seems impossible to do when you see Michael Richards walking down the street and all you want to do is yell "Kramer!!! Open this door in a funny way!!" However, this is the kiss of death in the celeb-meeting world. Pretend you are immune to the billions of dollars of advertising for their latest movie. You don't know and you don't care. I cannot stress this point enough. Should you engage with the obligatory, "I'm such a fan of your work on Smallville," you are guaranteed nothing more than a polite smile and a fleeting whiff of expensive cologne as your heart throb walks away.

HOWEVER, should you approach with a, and I know this is gonna sound crass, but, "This heat is really getting to my balls." Said casually like a good-ole-boy who's a-little-inappropriate-but-visiting-from-Delaware-so-who-gives-a-shit kinda way, you're in. By expressing discomfort with the temperature and quality management of your testicles, you shift focus off the celebrity's testicles (which are perennially under the microscope) and instead focus the limelight on your own embarrassing malfunctions. For the celeb with body issues, this deflection is like a cold glass of lemonade on a warm day with two ball ice cubes.

I can just see Russell Crowe responding to this statement. "Well mate. Maybe you should hit the head and give the twins a wipe or two." Now you've got him! He's jumping on your playful banter and instead of avoiding your fanatical stares across the room, he's actually waiting for your witty response. OK, focus. It is important you maintain your casual demeanor. No need to claw for a napkin-autograph or your camera phone. Rather, act as if you are talking to an old friend from high school. "It's my fault for wearing these goddamn boxer briefs. I never anticipate for the lack of air flow." Crowe chuckles at this quip much like he chuckles in minute forty seven of GLADIATOR. You notice this, but again do not acknowledge. Your predilection for roman gladiator films should never enter the otherwise healthy and developing repartee.

Now's a good time to acknowledge the obvious. If he is a famous face, say--Tom Hanks circa 1999--you've gotta recognize him at sometime. Surely you don't want to be branded the kind of person who is completely oblivious to pop culture. But always, always you need tact. Ask a casual question about some insider issue which shows not only are you familiar with their work, but you've been familiar this whole time; you've just been playing it super-cool. "I heard your son is gonna be in a movie with Jack Black." Nice. Concise. Playful yet respectful. Knowledgeable but not creepy. That's called the Orange County Special.

Now you guys have shared a moment. A real human interaction with a larger-than-life personality. But his limo’s waiting. Good luck with that perspiration he says. You awkwardly laugh too much at this parting quip. “Haha, nice talking to you.” And here’s the moment of truth. Do or die. Separating the men from the boys. Mano y mano. You say, “Shit. I think my ride left me. I’m sorry (to the celebrity) but could I borrow your phone for a second. Please. My hotel’s in Santa Monica.” Well what kind of a warm-blooded actor isn’t going to help you, the crazy Delaware guy, get back the Best Western? He hands over the Razor without thinking. Quickly you dial your own phone number. (Make sure your cell is on silent) Then when it starts to ring, hang up and look off down the street. Give the phone back and say, “I see them!” Jog away down the street and when you check your phone you have their cell phone number!!

You plan to prank call day and night with your friends, but then you realize they were actually pretty nice to you. You were conniving and manipulative and you stole their number but they were just happy to interact with someone on a human level. You name drop the story like crazy, but you don’t prank call because you finally met a celebrity, and found out he was just like you.

2006-07-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

A GIRL ONCE SAID TO ME…

A girl once said to me when hooking up, “Oh my God, you have two balls.” Uh, yeah of course I do. But it got me thinking. What was she expecting? An empty sac with a post-it note that says, “Gotcha!” “Out to lunch!” “Back in Five!” Or a towering container of bouncy balls like at Rite Aid. The ones your Mom doesn’t want you to play with. But, then I got scared because I thought maybe there was an episode of Sex and the City that I didn’t see. The sluts are straddling a round table loudly discussing the spectrum of sexual dysfunction and the one from Mannequin says more balls are in. Overnight thirteen-year-old teeny boppers in Wichita are disappointed when their boyfriends only have the normal two testicles. They search far and wide for these elusive “super sacs.” Maybe that’s what happened too me. I was hooking up with a gypsy hobo riding the rails in search of a baker’s dozen.

A girl once said to me, “I had to go to therapy because of you.” I know you think I probably dated this girl for a long time all the while mentally and physically abusing her. That seems proportional for therapy. NO. I fingerbanged this girl ONCE in 10th grade. Once. If one fingerbang pushes you over the edge to therapy my guess is you’re not too stable from the start. What if I fingerbanged thousands of women into therapy throughout my life? Every town I was in; every country I visited. I left a wake of sexually satisfied but mentally unstable women. What if there were specific groups devoted to John Dardenne Fingerbang Survival Therapy or maybe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? Either way I guarantee no consensual hand-job ever sent a guy to therapy. That’s for damn sure.

A girl once said to me, “I slept with Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” as we were driving to hook up. Ohhh, what better an aphrodisiac than to regale me with the promiscuous, heroin-addicted movie stars you’ve slept with. That really gets me going. Tell me more. Who else have you screwed? Why does my crotch already itch? But I took it like man and acted unfazed. Really? You fucked Jason Mewes? Is that so? The guy known for talking about licking random girls’ pussies and the catch phrase “Snoogans?” The guy I used to laugh at and enjoy but now I’m going to vicariously screw? Cool.

I guess the point is that sometimes girls say weird stuff. And we can all laugh about it. Snoogans.

2006-07-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

THE RANDOMIZER

All the times I got laid it was luck. I'm not a player. I know not this "game" you speak of. I only know luck. Let me explain. Statistically speaking, there is always a chance you could get laid. Driving to work, jogging in the park, or even going to Starbucks could be the perfect decision at the perfect moment which results in some skin to skin tango time. Male/female, gay/straight these are merely classifications. I speak for all peoples of the world, no matter their sexual orientation or anatomical consistency. We're all in the sexual line of fire, always.

So....how do we do it? How do we increase our chances? Well. That's the thing. I get the sense that a longer lifespan and increased public outings are the only empirical way to raise our numbers above the sexual Mason-Dixon line. Another, less astute writer might make a joke here about Dixon sounding like dick, but I'm not that kind of writer. I'm the kind of writer who addresses making that joke and then takes the high road. But don't get me started on the cable provider Cox. I got pages and pages on that shit. Knock, knock. Who's there? Cox. HAHAHAHA. Goldmine.

What I'm saying is I'm immature. Really immature. Maybe I'm even immature for writing this article. Maybe a mature writer would just come to grips with his own love life (or lack thereof) and not stoop to such low lengths as to write a cathartic article attempting to make universal his own problem. But low and behold, here I am. Typing on a computer usually reserved for high-speed pornography. Attempting to resolve my own inadequacies through the intellectual stimulation of others. Maybe this article is just a cry for help. Maybe if no one likes it or reads it I'll cut off my Mason Dixon (you know you love it) and just live without Cox. Maybe it'll make me a better person. Instead of esoterically ranting on coitus, maybe I'll channel this energy towards cancer research and poverty eradication. Maybe I'll solve the world's oil crisis. All I had to do was stop thinking about sex for a few seconds and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks covered in complex algorithms of ethanol conversion charts. Maybe. Or maybe this is the curse of man. OUR MOST HARD-WIRED INSTINCT IS TO REPRODUCE. Every second that I don't reproduce, my world shrinks a little. The sun isn't as bright and the sky isn't so blue. Every second without sex is a failure. Plain and simple. I have a single job given to me by Mother Nature. I interned in the womb for nine months then I got promoted to an entry level crib position. And for the first seventeen years of my life I couldn't do my job worth shit.

But finally it happened. One day. Out of the blue. Woke up like any other day. Treated everyone the same. Didn't use a pick-up line or anything. Just, I don't know...dumb luck. So what? Since then I've tried to respect women. Tried to do everything right, but i guess that's the point. If I’m gonna get laid, it's probably not in my control. I'm just a pinball bouncing around racking up a few points here and there but invariably slipping between the stoppers and falling through the cracks. Ce la vie.

2006-07-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

THE HOLLYWOOD SCRIPT PARADOX

Freeze motherfucker! Drop the gun, and let her go. She's got nothing to do with this. We need back up. Ten/four, this is Hodgekins. We got a 314 with a hostage. Send in the intern.

This is what Hollywood does. As an intern, your job is to read scripts and decide if they are worth a shit. This is undeniably the single hardest decision in the entire motion picture industry.....and it’s given to an intern.

Why give the all-important first wave of script reading to the lowest people on the totem pole?

The logic is that fresh-faced interns have a finger on the pulse of America's youth. They will spot a GARDEN STATE or a DUMB AND DUMBER before even the most seasoned reader because they exist within the counter-cultural milieu which brands movies hot or not. They understand the lexicon of the 21st century and they can immediately identify with characters who reflect the disillusionment of their society. OR, MAYBE...no one else wants to write coverage.

No one else wants to claw through hundred of pages of bad jokes and cliffhanger endings only to summarize the story into a half-hearted synopsis of important plot beats, and then in the notorious comments section, give his or her unadulterated opinion of the story and the writer.

It sounds easy, but no matter how many scripts Robert Towne has written, his newest incarnation will inevitably land in front of some no-nothing USC film dropout who's never seen CHINATOWN and doesn't even believe he deserves a general.

This is the peril of Hollywood script reading. Most of the people with the power to put your script in the hands of a producer would rather promote their own ability at make-shift script analysis and structural critique than help a starving writer. They rip apart your labor of love with a few swift keystrokes. Bad dialogue. Lame comedy. Stock story. No one’s gonna buy your script with those kind of notes.

"So how was that script?" your boss quips as he rolls four calls and cuts off the pinky finger of an intern who passed on CRASH. Sir, honestly, who's to say how it really is. It might be the best script I've ever read, but no one wants to see another fucking movie about a date doctor who can't find love. However, instead of loudly and offensively bashing the script like an ex-girlfriend who slept with your best friend, you freeze up like the unpaid novice you are with big dreams and nervous ticks.

"Uh, well it's about a guy who's haunted by this mistress--like WHAT LIES BENEATH but with a twist of FATAL ATTRACTION. Is it any good? Uh. Well, kinda. But. I guess its average or I mean. It’s good, but not great."

Suddenly, amidst your babbling, you realize it doesn't matter what you say. Good. Bad. These are relative terms. All you need to do is say something with conviction and profanity. Then you are promoted.

How was that script from CAA?! "A fucking piece of shit." I see. Why don't you go get a permanent parking pass. I think you're our next executive. Come right this fucking way.

Hallelujah. Praise Hollywood. My dreams are coming true. Every script I read.......fucking amateurs, goddamn Robert McKee, plot-point-two, cookie-cutter screenplays. Get me some Fox Searchlight/Focus Feature dirty ass indie shit I can show to my jaded studio executive.

Three years ago, I wish I could grab that BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN script collecting dust on the shelf, and set up high profile pitches around town where I pretend to be Spielberg's nephew who just took a short to Cannes. I could say "this script is a fucking goldmine." They love that. Or maybe, "I see this film as more than a blockbuster movie, it's a cultural experience."

I might even steal lines from FIELD OF DREAMS. "Gentlemen, if you release this film, people will come. Oh yes. People will come. They'll drive to the theatre not even sure what they'll see. A large marquee of two gay cowboys catches their eye. They'll pass over the money without even thinking. For it is money they have, but mid-century clandestine homosexuality they seek. Oh, people will come, Ray. They will most definitely come." Fade to black.

2006-07-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

EX-GIRLFRIENDS AND BROCCOLI

Everyone hates these things if questioned. It's their defacto answer like when someone asks you your taste in music and you say "I listen to everything but country." But what's so bad about them? One's a slimy foul tasting waste of space and the other is a vegetable. I know what you're thinking. Tell me more. Give me more caddy musings on life and love filled with clever misdirection and jokey jokes. Well here goes nothing.

We hate ex's because they don't love us anymore. We hate broccoli because its green and freakish-looking. We hate ex's because they slept with our friends. We hate broccoli because our parents want us to eat it. We hate ex's because they lied to us. We hate broccoli because it smells funny. We hate ex's because they're happier than we are. We hate broccoli because we can't leave the table until we finish it.

We hate both because they are unavoidable in life. Guaranteed I will run into Patricia or Zoe or Broccoli again. They haunt me everywhere. No matter where I go, who I date, what I eat, I will inevitably cross paths with them again. Maybe at a Bistro in Paris. I'm enjoying a cafe ole when I see some mustached Frenchman nibbling on organic broccoli while he fingers my old lady with the other hand. I spill some steaming-hot coffee on my crotch as I marvel at this sight. This dude is single handedly--check that--double fistedly juggling my two biggest dislikes---AT ONCE. Surely he must be my arch-nemesis put on this earth to thwart my dreams and shit on my life. Damn you anonymous Franco fingerbanger with a healthy diet. You'll never defeat me!!

I think mostly we hate both because both are something good that we see as bad. Broccoli is great for the body and a past lover surely had selling points, but somehow we've managed to convince ourselves that these things are the biggest bains of our existence (sans French nemeses).

We give them mythical status in our heads. Broccoli becomes representative of all things foreign and unknown and the parental pressure to consume it only reinforces a spiteful adolescent resentment towards the sprouted veggie. But without broccoli, where would we be? It exists as a trite cultural extreme. People can sleep easier knowing that they have the ability to choose what food they like and don't like. Without broccoli, the entire web of interdependent produce might collapse (much to the joy of cauliflower).

What I'm saying is that the building blocks of society are these polarized extremes. Everybody hates broccoli; everybody loves pizza. Of course this is not true. There are probably a couple hundred people who not only LOVE broccoli, but also hate pizza and probably own many country albums. However, these people represent the extreme minority. The majority of Americans and most likely the majority of Earthlings loathe broccoli and that ignorant perspective comforts them in times of loneliness.

Conversely, we choose to bash our old significant others because, like broccoli, they exist as caricatures in our lives. Somehow they affected us both positively and then negatively and to resolve that in our minds, we build them up as bitches and assholes. We fill them with hot air so we can pop them and hear the explosion. When we realize it's over, we use their caricature to fill the void their real presence left. Maybe it's not healthy. Maybe it's not right, but it's how we do it.

I guess they're not so dissimilar: Broccoli and Ex-girlfriends.

Maybe I should forgive broccoli.

2006-07-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

WOMB RAIDER

For Cathy

(Published in the Fall, 2002 issue of “A Moment in Time” Catholic High Writers Club Literary Magazine)

Throughout history man has fought great adversity in his life. I have had my fair share of rough times, but from the struggles one amazing story has emerged. My story is similar to a fine wine in that it has beautifully aged with time. It is different from fine wine since it lacks alcohol.

I would like to relate the most arduous chapter of my life. What period of development scarred me? Was it adolescence or maybe middle age? NO, it was the traumatic womb. The muscular sac of incomprehensible misery. It is not possible for me to convey the steamy solitude that the empty womb provided. Hey Mom, would it have been so hard to swallow a few toys (preferably a Barbie). I soon found out, however, that the solace I experienced was the least of my problems.

The placenta. Oh, sweet Lord, the placenta. That misshapen, veiny heap really freaked me out. One time I woke up after dozing off against the ovaries and that placenta was staring right at me! I splashed some fluid his way and moved to my dining room (between the cervix and liver). Suddenly, the stomach monster awoke and started to float in my direction. This moment could have been the end of my womb misadventure had I not had the presence to whip my umbilical cord and lash the would-be maternity super-villain. Needless to say, the placenta did not bother me the rest of my tenure in the womb.

Everyday life in the "Slammer," as I like to call it, was not as exciting as the day I conquered my womb-nemesis, but the weather of the womb really got to me. Every single day: hot and humid with 100% chance of precipitation. Mom, get some AC in that womb!

A ceiling fan, a window unit, something. I was burning up in there, didn't you feel me kicking?? How am I expected to lie and wallow in such uncomfortable environment. You’re lucky I stayed for nine months cause there wasn't even a TV, much less 24 hour Womb Service.

All alliteration aside, my mom has got to get some cross-ventilation. Her life-bearing inn could use a sunroof, skylight, alcove, or at least a mirror to open the place up. I was just about to labor to build a tree house near the amniotic sac when I was converted. One day I saw "the light" and was born-again, though I wasn't technically "born" yet (point up for debate). It was a bright, bright light swelling to a diameter of 10 cm (Yes, I had a ruler).

Even though I loathed the nine month hiatus, I feared the unknown light and the rubbery hands that were reaching for me. After many hours of valiant strife, a clever doctor managed to lure me out of the womb with fat-free spam. Once I saw the real world, I knew that detached was the best umbilical lifestyle for me.

People always tell me, "No one can remember life in the womb." I just have to laugh at these people because who are they kidding? Not me. Everyone who has a womb story needs to be heard. Whether it be an itchy umbilical cord, inclement weather, claustrophobia, or a lack of AAA batteries, the world must be informed. Do not be afraid to speak out against the Temple of Womb. Ohh yeah, and, Mom, if you are reading this, could you check and see if I left my Rubik's Cube and Flock of Seagulls cassette in there, Thanks.

2006-07-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement

This commercial was completely improvised.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AozTB9iTIZo

2006-07-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

NEWLYWEDS

My mom called to tell me that two girls from my elementary school class are getting married. These girls are my age, entering their senior year of college, and they're already tying the over-hyped knot. How did this happen? Surely with the stark reality of sky-rocketing divorce rates and early development of their own lifestyle, occupation, and adult persona, choosing to jump the altar-shark is not only bold, but truly idealistic.

To understand the situation, we must look back to the early nineties. Recording artist and all-around poetic genius Haddaway posed us the question, "What is love?" He followed this query with the demand "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me....no more." It seems these two
feelings--love and hurt--are forever associated. For without pain, love has no meaning. Cameron Crowe told us in VANILLA SKY "without the bitter, the sweet just aint as sweet." Maybe these marriages will last a lifetime. Or maybe they will burn up like the SpaceShuttle Columbia. But we can't pass that judgement.

I think love is choosing to ride on a runaway train. It will inevitably crash. Either the tracks will end(break-up) or you'll hit the ocean(death), but either way your train is destined to collide with its own personal Armageddon. The sweet exists as a corollary of the bitter.

However, knowing this, we can still enjoy the out-of-control ride. We can still be exhilarated by believing maybe our train is different. Maybe our train just won't stop. That feeling. That belief is love.

And here we are, shitting on a few people who are idealistic enough to believe in their own Little Engines That Could. Laughing at their decision to wed like it's a tacky sports coat they wore to Formal. Their wedding should be just as special a forty-year-old friend who after 20 years of dating his sweetheart, finally made it official. Do these couple love each other on different levels? Obviously, they have different relationship timelines, but can't both loves be just as sweet?

I guess you can't try to understand someone else's love. If I were born one hundred years ago, I would have probably married my high school girlfriend. Fifty years ago, maybe my college girlfriend.

But I wasn't. I live right now and the future is what I make it. I've gotta respect these people's decisions and hope that they are happy. I hope they'd do the same for me. Toot. Toot.

2006-07-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

DEALING WITH "THE OTHER GUY"

Congratulations on getting the girl of your dreams. Now….welcome to Jealousyworld. It’s like WATERWORLD, but Kevin Costner isn’t a half-fish, he’s trying to fuck your woman.

It seems like once you get that girlfriend, suddenly all these other dudes start trying to weasel their way into her pants like Dick Cheney at a gas station. I digress.

Let’s start from the beginning. Adam and Eve. And Steve. Steve was just a friend of Eve’s from college. They had Gathering 101 together, and as luck would have it he found himself in the fruitful garden after a stint escorting in the Euphrates . Good ole Steve. Just a friendly friend. Friend, friend, friend.

But Adam knew otherwise. He might be fooled by the innocence of nudity; he might even be fooled by a kind snake trying to balance out his diet; but he smelled trouble after the first text message from Steve. “Still in Eden? Maybe we can milk something?” Fucking Steve. Eve’s taken. Can’t you see that? Formed as my companion—from my rib no less. “Evolution,” Steve replied. “Survival of the fittest. She’s fair game, bitch.”**

Oh great! Another lunch with Steve! “Adam, he’s just a friend. He knows about you. Don’t worry.” Sure, Eve. He might be a friend to you, but to him you’re a dartboard with a clitoral bulls-eye. Yeah, clitoral. And that’s just the beginning.

Next Steve gave her a mix tape. It opened up with “Achy, Breaky Heart.” Steve’s not just an asshole stealing Adam’s girl, he’s also an idiot. I guess NOW Vol. 17 was unavailable.

Then things got crazy. Steve got hopped up on red wine and meth and confessed his undying love for Eve. Somehow this COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED Eve like George Michael’s coming out surprised the guy jerking off next to him.

But Eve is such a great person. She can’t stop hanging out with Steve just because he made his first formal move to mount her. He’s too good of a friend.

No, Eve. No. He never was your friend. He sat patiently listening to you complain about Adam like a landmine in Kosovo. Waiting, waiting, dreaming of exploding onto the dating scene when he sensed weakness.

These men are the vultures of the dating world. They circle and circle until one night when the Mrs. has had a little too much to drink. Then they pounce like a mountain lion kissing the neck of another emotionally distraught and temporarily vulnerable mountain lion. And some say love is dead. It’s the circle of life.

Some of you reading this might be thinking---Wait a second, I’m that guy. Well of course you are! Hey, no one can fault you. Her current boyfriend stole her from a different guy the same way, so you know this shit might actually work.

An easy way to see if this is you……… Question #1: Do you have a female friend? Question #2: Does she have a boyfriend? If you answered “YES” to both question, STAY AWAY FROM HER YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!! Easy, easy, relax, deep breaths. Ok, alright. Bad touch. Baaaad touch.

”Why can’t you be more like Steve?” Eve would quip. “Steve would never raise his voice or boss me around. He respects women.”

Hell-bend on home-wrecking, Steve just won’t go away. Now his obsession is ruining his life and Eve can tell. She can’t stand it. His LiveJournal mood: Apathetic. His Facebook profile: downtrodden. Instead of a head shot, there’s a picture of a broken heart with zig-zag frays and a caption reading “EVE of Destruction.” Fuckin Steve. “Just jerk off to some granny porn on my dollar and get outta here,” Adam protested.

But it wouldn’t be that easy. The military has a name for all the Steve’s out there. All the guys preying upon their women back home. All these guys are called JODY. “My girl’s back with Jody,” a Sergeant told me. “Mine too,” a petty officer added. “I’m trying to bring stability to a volatile neighborhood in Tikrit while Jody’s taking my Betsy to the Sizzler and pre-emptively popping Viagras. Fuckin Jody. Never last a day in Basic Training. But that’s Jody for you. A real opportunist.”

Look, I’d love to tell you things worked out for Adam and Eve. I’d love to tell you Eve’s love moved mountains and stood the test of time. But in reality—she succumbed to Steve’s charm; his superior wit; and taut glutes. She fell for his “I’m so lonely I could move to Mesopotamia” cry for help. She even fell for his “You’re the only girl in the world for me” routine and his “Adam has defective sperm—I know cause I used to temp at a sperm bank which Adam frequented back when we didn’t fully understand the ramifications of creation and in vitro fertilization but we still did it and mentally recorded the donor’s potency and I’m serious Adam is walking around with a Light Saber without the force” routine.

Well Eve knew what she had to do: populate the world. The future of mankind lie dormant deep in her Yoni and Adam was dead weight distracting her from her Grave Mission and wasting her time. Adam might be her past, but Steve is the future of the human race. Steve is the way. Steve is right. Adam is wrong. Steve loves me. Adam is placated by my blessed Yoni and only cares about getting off his Cap Gun (orange tip—Toys R US). Steve has a glock. Hollow point bullets. POW. As they say, the rest is history.

** Genesis 4: 1-6

2006-03-20T00:39:00.000-08:00

MARDI GRAS 2006
By: John Dardenne

Stumbling and drooling you fall towards the piss and beer soaked gutter of Bourbon Street. Breaking your fall are the augmented and exposed breasts of a woman old enough be your grandmother. This festively painted bosom acts as a New Orleans air bag as you plummet to the ground in a graceful move natives call “passing out.” Mardi Gras 2006: A SUCCESS.

Columbus resident Jake Homely explains his first Mardi Gras experience while stuck in traffic on Ash Wednesday morning. “Raped, ashamed, and hung over, I begin the long drive back to Ohio wondering how much it will cost to remove the silver stud off my urethra. My friends in the church group are never gonna believe this.”

The festivities offer a safe haven for underage drinking, cross dressing, and child exploitation. That’s right, you see some demented parents actually use their small children to get more beads. The unwilling and ignorant accomplices are dangerously hoisted onto tall ladders to appeal to the parade thrower’s drunken sense of parenthood. This tactic works surprisingly well because “the little kids are just so damn cute” according to Jack Mahoney, member of the Bacchus float shaped like a dildo.

In New Orleans, thanks to clever planning from Spanish and French architects, overaged men can hang from multi-story balconies getting power trips as they beg under-aged girls to show their breasts. From these positions of impunity, it’s not uncommon to hear the command, “Show your tits!” And from the ground level, it’s not uncommon to hear the response, “Fuck you grandpa!”

Later a man calling himself "Lord Wanghole" declares his love for anal sex while he urinates in a small child's bag of beads. I see him, intoxicated far beyond the bounds of reason, I smell the New Orleans excrement ambrosia, and I marvel at the diameter of that old woman's nipples. I am at Mardi Gras. I am home.

2005-09-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

THE PASSION IS A GODDAMN-GOOD FILM

I Give it Two Arms Up!

By: John Dardenne

Across the world audiences leaving Mel Gibson's new film The Passion of the Christ could agree on one thing: "Braveheart was good." Rabbi Ira Weinstein said, "I liked the part at the end when he yelled 'Freedom!'"

Mel Gibson claims his film The Passion is an accurate portrayal of the Jews and the Romans during the final hours of Jesus Christ’s life. Well I took a year of Latin and learned about the Romans and all the crazy orgies they had. But I didn’t see any orgies in your film, Mr. Gibson. Romans had orgies; that's for sure. Rrrreally accurate!

Additionally, the film is shot entirely in Latin and Aramaic for historical accuracy. The only English speaker is the comic relief beggar named "Lil' Lazaras" played by Joe Pesci. During the scourging he makes such quips as "Ooh, look out! Zoinks! Glad I'm not the Messiah. That's gotta hurt! Oh, no, I have leprosy again." This reporter almost crapped his pants after that sequence.

A controversial line of dialogue directly implicating the Jews as the "crucifier of Christ" and, therefore a "cursed" race was taken out of the movie in a last minute decision which has led many Jews to reject Moses and adopt a new covenant with The Passion's film editor, John Wright. Wright, described by friends as the soft-spoken Abraham-type, lives in Waco, Texas and is circumcised.

Interestingly enough, the role of Jesus Christ was originally given to Will Smith, but he was later fired when Mel Gibson decided he was "too Jewish."

To dispel rumors that he blames the Jews for killing Jesus, Gibson has a cameo in the movie as a centurion who pounds a nail in Jesus's right palm. Playing the nearly-retired left centurion is Danny Glover who is "Getting too old for this."

Pope John Paul II was sent an advanced copy of the movie before it reached theaters. Fearing that the intensely violent movie could give the frail Catholic leader a heart attack, assistants showed the Pope Bill and Ted's Excellence Adventure instead. During the end credits, the Pope called Gibson and assured him “It is, as it was! Wyld Stalyons Rule!"

During the production of the Passion, James Caviezel, the actor playing Jesus, was struck by lightening. Many fans of Independence Day interpret this as a message from God that Will Smith is His son.

Take it from me, this movie is not going to be forgotten during the awards season. You heard it here first, The Passion is a shoe-in for the MTV Movie Award for Best Crucifixion. Blood, blood, blood. Blood always wins this category and Mel Gibson knows it.

I smell a sequel!!!!!

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Christ dies at the end; then he is resurrected. Rosebud is his sled.

2005-09-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

Michael Moore spoke to a crowd of thousands at USC.

2005-09-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Lots of people.

2005-09-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

I protested

2005-09-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

Kind of.

2005-09-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Live CNN Coverage

2005-09-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

A journey to the front.

First ammendment protection.

2005-09-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

You can almost see sack. Well, maybe not almost. (Wink, wink.) HELLO!

2005-09-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

Moore stopped his speech and acknowledged the sign.

He's much more handsome in person!

Reverse angle

2005-09-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

We learned that WE ARE THE FUTURE...

2005-09-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR SOME INTERCOURSE?

By: John Dardenne

My door is open, my roommate is sleeping, what more do you women want? Do you want me to put a sign up? I know you have a boyfriend and that’s great but he’s not here, and it's your fault you didn’t have the balls to dump him at graduation. (High five) I know, I’m glad someone said it too. I have a message for all you Girls of USC: I need to get laid.

Let me set the stage. In contemporary society, we protest the war in Iraq and the tyranny of Ralph’s but we forget to protest the war all around us. The war to get Freshmen laid. And my friends, the enemy of abstinence is winning. Our generals tell us that the only way to victory is through coitus, and by Golly, coitus is what we’ll do because we are a country of free trade, free market, and free love. And, remember, if we don’t copulate, the communists win.

To clarify-- this is not a desperate plea, or a virgin’s cry for help. I am NOT asking for you to love me. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t. What you are reading (if you have a vagina) is a call to action. It is a summons to assuage the suffering of myself and all those other goofy, yet mystically attractive Freshmen, who sleep alone. Like Uncle Sam, “We want YOU!” Be it Freshman, Senior, or impressionable high schooler visiting the campus, I implore you to grab the nearest Freshmen guy and turn the tide of this war. And I hope and pray that this article is printed in Braille to reach out to my usual dating pool: BLIND WOMEN.

Guys- some advice: when it does happen with that special lady, make sure you properly “Sexile” your roommate. You see every dorm has a secret sign to tell your roommate that you’re hooking up. When the roommate sees the special marking on the door, he or she knows not to walk in the room. True, our signal hasn’t been “utilized” yet, but in theory it’s pretty cool. If I’m about to hook up with some passed out girl, I simply go to the door and put a little warm lamb’s blood over the top frame. Then my roomie knows that he’s a first born and will die tonight. Everybody wins. Thanks, Angel of Death!

Why do I talk about sex? Because I love women. I love the way they eat, the way they talk, the way they walk. I love the way they fart. It smells bad. I love the way they capture my imagination with a smile. Women are the ying to my yang; the blood in my veins. They are the clothespin to my nipple. If this sounds too good to be true, don't fret; I've included my contact information.

Ladies, I commend you for reading this far. As you ponder whether or not to call me, remember we live in a world rife with injustice. Millions are afflicted with poverty and are victims of genocide. Random acts of violence and terrorism have created ubiquitous fear in our society. The world we inhabit is being destroyed day after day by global warming and exhaustion of our nonrenewable resources will ruin the lives of future generations.........But what can you do about all these things? Have sex with me. Together, we can change the world.

dardenne@usc.edu

2005-09-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

EVK ICE CREAM

The following article was written in 2003 about the EVK Dining Facility at USC. It's based on a true story when I was a freshman and lived in the Pardee Tower Dormitory.

It’s 9pm and the front lines are quiet, almost too quiet. I am embedded with the 5th Floor Division of Pardee Bravo company and I am reminded by my military escort that “things are not always as they appear.” Suddenly, without warning, a soldier camouflaged in FUCLA apparel darts towards the EVK ice cream bin. Before the dust subsides, he has liberated four innocent fudge bars from the ruthless captivity of an oppressive cooling dictator. “Operation Ice-Cream-i Freedom:” a success.

Flash back, one day prior– I was assigned to cover a story on Freshmen abuse of ice cream privileges at the dining facility Everybody’s Kitchen, better known to students as, “where I found my pet rat.” Allegedly students were taking more than one ice cream bar at a time and building a cache of deserts in their mini-refrigerators. An irate spokesperson from “Fudge Bars N Such” was heard to whisper under his breath, “Oooooh shit, they can’t do that!” His imaginary friend, Bobo, whispered back, “Make more fudge bars!” Obviously there was more to this story than met the eye.

I decided to bribe the card lady, Mercedes. It was easy, I just let her swipe my card all night long. She told me where the troops were gathering for the next heist. The crew was hesitant to accept me, but I quelled their fears by mugging an old woman (and scored some lipstick in the process). Above the rumbling in their stomachs, they spoke to me.

One pilferer ranted, “Stealing extra ice cream from EVK is the closest thing to an orgasm I’ve had since I got here. It’s a rapture that I indulge on a regular basis. Amidst the fear and excitement one asks himself, ‘Will I get caught, and, more importantly, is this sugary delight worth the effort?’ The answer to that question, my friends, is always, ‘yes.’ Because one day, if we work hard enough, we will recoup our $40,000 dollar tuition payment one blissful chocolate bar at a time.”

Eloquent, impassioned, and reasonable, surely these are not the words of a criminal, but of a revolutionary. “We don’t steal the ice cream, we liberate it,” quipped a masked student whose pockets were leaking chocolate. The ice cream militia explained the situation to me clearly: “Sugar leads to obesity; obesity leads to death; hence, ice cream is a weapon of mass destruction, and as Americans, it is our duty to find and steal the WMD’s from other people.

In regards to ice cream exploitation, President Steven Sample was not asked for comment, but you can imagine he probably would have said something like, “Cows, we need more cows!! Without cows, we’re doomed!” He would hypothetically go on to say, “No, no, no, I’m talking about cows!!”

I decided my time for ice cream had come. I paused to ponder what had led me to the depths of commandment breaking and sugar looting. Then I pulled six bars from the freezer. Suddenly, a firm hand grabbed my arm and a booming voice bellowed, “Sir, one at a time, please.” SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!