COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR SOME INTERCOURSE?



By: John Dardenne

My door is open, my roommate is sleeping, what more do you women want? Do you want me to put a sign up? I know you have a boyfriend and that’s great but he’s not here, and it's your fault you didn’t have the balls to dump him at graduation. (High five) I know, I’m glad someone said it too. I have a message for all you Girls of USC: I need to get laid.

Let me set the stage. In contemporary society, we protest the war in Iraq and the tyranny of Ralph’s but we forget to protest the war all around us. The war to get Freshmen laid. And my friends, the enemy of abstinence is winning. Our generals tell us that the only way to victory is through coitus, and by Golly, coitus is what we’ll do because we are a country of free trade, free market, and free love. And, remember, if we don’t copulate, the communists win.


To clarify-- this is not a desperate plea, or a virgin’s cry for help. I am NOT asking for you to love me. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t. What you are reading (if you have a vagina) is a call to action. It is a summons to assuage the suffering of myself and all those other goofy, yet mystically attractive Freshmen, who sleep alone. Like Uncle Sam, “We want YOU!” Be it Freshman, Senior, or impressionable high schooler visiting the campus, I implore you to grab the nearest Freshmen guy and turn the tide of this war. And I hope and pray that this article is printed in Braille to reach out to my usual dating pool: BLIND WOMEN.



Guys- some advice: when it does happen with that special lady, make sure you properly “Sexile” your roommate. You see every dorm has a secret sign to tell your roommate that you’re hooking up. When the roommate sees the special marking on the door, he or she knows not to walk in the room. True, our signal hasn’t been “utilized” yet, but in theory it’s pretty cool. If I’m about to hook up with some passed out girl, I simply go to the door and put a little warm lamb’s blood over the top frame. Then my roomie knows that he’s a first born and will die tonight. Everybody wins. Thanks, Angel of Death!





Why do I talk about sex? Because I love women. I love the way they eat, the way they talk, the way they walk. I love the way they fart. It smells bad. I love the way they capture my imagination with a smile. Women are the ying to my yang; the blood in my veins. They are the clothespin to my nipple. If this sounds too good to be true, don't fret; I've included my contact information.

Ladies, I commend you for reading this far. As you ponder whether or not to call me, remember we live in a world rife with injustice. Millions are afflicted with poverty and are victims of genocide. Random acts of violence and terrorism have created ubiquitous fear in our society. The world we inhabit is being destroyed day after day by global warming and exhaustion of our nonrenewable resources will ruin the lives of future generations.........But what can you do about all these things? Have sex with me. Together, we can change the world.

dardenne@usc.edu