THE PASSION IS A GODDAMN-GOOD FILM

I Give it Two Arms Up!


By: John Dardenne



Across the world audiences leaving Mel Gibson's new film The Passion of the Christ could agree on one thing: "Braveheart was good." Rabbi Ira Weinstein said, "I liked the part at the end when he yelled 'Freedom!'"

Mel Gibson claims his film The Passion is an accurate portrayal of the Jews and the Romans during the final hours of Jesus Christ’s life. Well I took a year of Latin and learned about the Romans and all the crazy orgies they had. But I didn’t see any orgies in your film, Mr. Gibson. Romans had orgies; that's for sure. Rrrreally accurate!

Additionally, the film is shot entirely in Latin and Aramaic for historical accuracy. The only English speaker is the comic relief beggar named "Lil' Lazaras" played by Joe Pesci. During the scourging he makes such quips as "Ooh, look out! Zoinks! Glad I'm not the Messiah. That's gotta hurt! Oh, no, I have leprosy again." This reporter almost crapped his pants after that sequence.

A controversial line of dialogue directly implicating the Jews as the "crucifier of Christ" and, therefore a "cursed" race was taken out of the movie in a last minute decision which has led many Jews to reject Moses and adopt a new covenant with The Passion's film editor, John Wright. Wright, described by friends as the soft-spoken Abraham-type, lives in Waco, Texas and is circumcised.




Interestingly enough, the role of Jesus Christ was originally given to Will Smith, but he was later fired when Mel Gibson decided he was "too Jewish."






To dispel rumors that he blames the Jews for killing Jesus, Gibson has a cameo in the movie as a centurion who pounds a nail in Jesus's right palm. Playing the nearly-retired left centurion is Danny Glover who is "Getting too old for this."


Pope John Paul II was sent an advanced copy of the movie before it reached theaters. Fearing that the intensely violent movie could give the frail Catholic leader a heart attack, assistants showed the Pope Bill and Ted's Excellence Adventure instead. During the end credits, the Pope called Gibson and assured him “It is, as it was! Wyld Stalyons Rule!"



During the production of the Passion, James Caviezel, the actor playing Jesus, was struck by lightening. Many fans of Independence Day interpret this as a message from God that Will Smith is His son.




Take it from me, this movie is not going to be forgotten during the awards season. You heard it here first, The Passion is a shoe-in for the MTV Movie Award for Best Crucifixion. Blood, blood, blood. Blood always wins this category and Mel Gibson knows it.










I smell a sequel!!!!!




SPOILERS AHEAD:

Christ dies at the end; then he is resurrected. Rosebud is his sled.