DEALING WITH "THE OTHER GUY"



Congratulations on getting the girl of your dreams. Now….welcome to Jealousyworld. It’s like WATERWORLD, but Kevin Costner isn’t a half-fish, he’s trying to fuck your woman.

It seems like once you get that girlfriend, suddenly all these other dudes start trying to weasel their way into her pants like Dick Cheney at a gas station. I digress.

Let’s start from the beginning. Adam and Eve. And Steve. Steve was just a friend of Eve’s from college. They had Gathering 101 together, and as luck would have it he found himself in the fruitful garden after a stint escorting in the Euphrates . Good ole Steve. Just a friendly friend. Friend, friend, friend.


But Adam knew otherwise. He might be fooled by the innocence of nudity; he might even be fooled by a kind snake trying to balance out his diet; but he smelled trouble after the first text message from Steve. “Still in Eden? Maybe we can milk something?” Fucking Steve. Eve’s taken. Can’t you see that? Formed as my companion—from my rib no less. “Evolution,” Steve replied. “Survival of the fittest. She’s fair game, bitch.”**

Oh great! Another lunch with Steve! “Adam, he’s just a friend. He knows about you. Don’t worry.” Sure, Eve. He might be a friend to you, but to him you’re a dartboard with a clitoral bulls-eye. Yeah, clitoral. And that’s just the beginning.

Next Steve gave her a mix tape. It opened up with “Achy, Breaky Heart.” Steve’s not just an asshole stealing Adam’s girl, he’s also an idiot. I guess NOW Vol. 17 was unavailable.

Then things got crazy. Steve got hopped up on red wine and meth and confessed his undying love for Eve. Somehow this COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED Eve like George Michael’s coming out surprised the guy jerking off next to him.

But Eve is such a great person. She can’t stop hanging out with Steve just because he made his first formal move to mount her. He’s too good of a friend.

No, Eve. No. He never was your friend. He sat patiently listening to you complain about Adam like a landmine in Kosovo. Waiting, waiting, dreaming of exploding onto the dating scene when he sensed weakness.

These men are the vultures of the dating world. They circle and circle until one night when the Mrs. has had a little too much to drink. Then they pounce like a mountain lion kissing the neck of another emotionally distraught and temporarily vulnerable mountain lion. And some say love is dead. It’s the circle of life.

Some of you reading this might be thinking---Wait a second, I’m that guy. Well of course you are! Hey, no one can fault you. Her current boyfriend stole her from a different guy the same way, so you know this shit might actually work.

An easy way to see if this is you……… Question #1: Do you have a female friend? Question #2: Does she have a boyfriend? If you answered “YES” to both question, STAY AWAY FROM HER YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!! Easy, easy, relax, deep breaths. Ok, alright. Bad touch. Baaaad touch.


”Why can’t you be more like Steve?” Eve would quip. “Steve would never raise his voice or boss me around. He respects women.”

Hell-bend on home-wrecking, Steve just won’t go away. Now his obsession is ruining his life and Eve can tell. She can’t stand it. His LiveJournal mood: Apathetic. His Facebook profile: downtrodden. Instead of a head shot, there’s a picture of a broken heart with zig-zag frays and a caption reading “EVE of Destruction.” Fuckin Steve. “Just jerk off to some granny porn on my dollar and get outta here,” Adam protested.

But it wouldn’t be that easy. The military has a name for all the Steve’s out there. All the guys preying upon their women back home. All these guys are called JODY. “My girl’s back with Jody,” a Sergeant told me. “Mine too,” a petty officer added. “I’m trying to bring stability to a volatile neighborhood in Tikrit while Jody’s taking my Betsy to the Sizzler and pre-emptively popping Viagras. Fuckin Jody. Never last a day in Basic Training. But that’s Jody for you. A real opportunist.”








Look, I’d love to tell you things worked out for Adam and Eve. I’d love to tell you Eve’s love moved mountains and stood the test of time. But in reality—she succumbed to Steve’s charm; his superior wit; and taut glutes. She fell for his “I’m so lonely I could move to Mesopotamia” cry for help. She even fell for his “You’re the only girl in the world for me” routine and his “Adam has defective sperm—I know cause I used to temp at a sperm bank which Adam frequented back when we didn’t fully understand the ramifications of creation and in vitro fertilization but we still did it and mentally recorded the donor’s potency and I’m serious Adam is walking around with a Light Saber without the force” routine.


Well Eve knew what she had to do: populate the world. The future of mankind lie dormant deep in her Yoni and Adam was dead weight distracting her from her Grave Mission and wasting her time. Adam might be her past, but Steve is the future of the human race. Steve is the way. Steve is right. Adam is wrong. Steve loves me. Adam is placated by my blessed Yoni and only cares about getting off his Cap Gun (orange tip—Toys R US). Steve has a glock. Hollow point bullets. POW. As they say, the rest is history.



** Genesis 4: 1-6