THE HOLLYWOOD SCRIPT PARADOX

Freeze motherfucker! Drop the gun, and let her go. She's got nothing to do with this. We need back up. Ten/four, this is Hodgekins. We got a 314 with a hostage. Send in the intern.

This is what Hollywood does. As an intern, your job is to read scripts and decide if they are worth a shit. This is undeniably the single hardest decision in the entire motion picture industry.....and it’s given to an intern.

Why give the all-important first wave of script reading to the lowest people on the totem pole?

The logic is that fresh-faced interns have a finger on the pulse of America's youth. They will spot a GARDEN STATE or a DUMB AND DUMBER before even the most seasoned reader because they exist within the counter-cultural milieu which brands movies hot or not. They understand the lexicon of the 21st century and they can immediately identify with characters who reflect the disillusionment of their society. OR, MAYBE...no one else wants to write coverage.

No one else wants to claw through hundred of pages of bad jokes and cliffhanger endings only to summarize the story into a half-hearted synopsis of important plot beats, and then in the notorious comments section, give his or her unadulterated opinion of the story and the writer.

It sounds easy, but no matter how many scripts Robert Towne has written, his newest incarnation will inevitably land in front of some no-nothing USC film dropout who's never seen CHINATOWN and doesn't even believe he deserves a general.

This is the peril of Hollywood script reading. Most of the people with the power to put your script in the hands of a producer would rather promote their own ability at make-shift script analysis and structural critique than help a starving writer. They rip apart your labor of love with a few swift keystrokes. Bad dialogue. Lame comedy. Stock story. No one’s gonna buy your script with those kind of notes.


"So how was that script?" your boss quips as he rolls four calls and cuts off the pinky finger of an intern who passed on CRASH. Sir, honestly, who's to say how it really is. It might be the best script I've ever read, but no one wants to see another fucking movie about a date doctor who can't find love. However, instead of loudly and offensively bashing the script like an ex-girlfriend who slept with your best friend, you freeze up like the unpaid novice you are with big dreams and nervous ticks.

"Uh, well it's about a guy who's haunted by this mistress--like WHAT LIES BENEATH but with a twist of FATAL ATTRACTION. Is it any good? Uh. Well, kinda. But. I guess its average or I mean. It’s good, but not great."

Suddenly, amidst your babbling, you realize it doesn't matter what you say. Good. Bad. These are relative terms. All you need to do is say something with conviction and profanity. Then you are promoted.

How was that script from CAA?! "A fucking piece of shit." I see. Why don't you go get a permanent parking pass. I think you're our next executive. Come right this fucking way.

Hallelujah. Praise Hollywood. My dreams are coming true. Every script I read.......fucking amateurs, goddamn Robert McKee, plot-point-two, cookie-cutter screenplays. Get me some Fox Searchlight/Focus Feature dirty ass indie shit I can show to my jaded studio executive.

Three years ago, I wish I could grab that BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN script collecting dust on the shelf, and set up high profile pitches around town where I pretend to be Spielberg's nephew who just took a short to Cannes. I could say "this script is a fucking goldmine." They love that. Or maybe, "I see this film as more than a blockbuster movie, it's a cultural experience."

I might even steal lines from FIELD OF DREAMS. "Gentlemen, if you release this film, people will come. Oh yes. People will come. They'll drive to the theatre not even sure what they'll see. A large marquee of two gay cowboys catches their eye. They'll pass over the money without even thinking. For it is money they have, but mid-century clandestine homosexuality they seek. Oh, people will come, Ray. They will most definitely come." Fade to black.