A GIRL ONCE SAID TO ME…


A girl once said to me when hooking up, “Oh my God, you have two balls.” Uh, yeah of course I do. But it got me thinking. What was she expecting? An empty sac with a post-it note that says, “Gotcha!” “Out to lunch!” “Back in Five!” Or a towering container of bouncy balls like at Rite Aid. The ones your Mom doesn’t want you to play with. But, then I got scared because I thought maybe there was an episode of Sex and the City that I didn’t see. The sluts are straddling a round table loudly discussing the spectrum of sexual dysfunction and the one from Mannequin says more balls are in. Overnight thirteen-year-old teeny boppers in Wichita are disappointed when their boyfriends only have the normal two testicles. They search far and wide for these elusive “super sacs.” Maybe that’s what happened too me. I was hooking up with a gypsy hobo riding the rails in search of a baker’s dozen.

A girl once said to me, “I had to go to therapy because of you.” I know you think I probably dated this girl for a long time all the while mentally and physically abusing her. That seems proportional for therapy. NO. I fingerbanged this girl ONCE in 10th grade. Once. If one fingerbang pushes you over the edge to therapy my guess is you’re not too stable from the start. What if I fingerbanged thousands of women into therapy throughout my life? Every town I was in; every country I visited. I left a wake of sexually satisfied but mentally unstable women. What if there were specific groups devoted to John Dardenne Fingerbang Survival Therapy or maybe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? Either way I guarantee no consensual hand-job ever sent a guy to therapy. That’s for damn sure.

A girl once said to me, “I slept with Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” as we were driving to hook up. Ohhh, what better an aphrodisiac than to regale me with the promiscuous, heroin-addicted movie stars you’ve slept with. That really gets me going. Tell me more. Who else have you screwed? Why does my crotch already itch? But I took it like man and acted unfazed. Really? You fucked Jason Mewes? Is that so? The guy known for talking about licking random girls’ pussies and the catch phrase “Snoogans?” The guy I used to laugh at and enjoy but now I’m going to vicariously screw? Cool.

I guess the point is that sometimes girls say weird stuff. And we can all laugh about it. Snoogans.