MARRIED TO GAY MARRIAGE


I'm not gay. I've pondered the thought though. Is that for me? Is that me? I don't think it is but that momentary trial is more than most straight guys would admit to doing. Even beginning an article of this nature with the opening "I'm not gay" is both a little homophobic and a little gay. Only a gay man would start an article with the statement "I'm not gay." Right?

These stereotypes and constant conspiracy theories pervade our bifurcated society. There is a divide between those who believe gay-dom (gay marriage, casual hook-ups, random appearances on BRAVO) is a sin and those who choose to put more focus and attention on their own insignificant and sexually confused lives.

Kinsey says we're all a little gay which explains the success of SUDDENLY SUSAN. These days everyone's bi from the girls in your dorm to twelve-year-olds who watch NEXT all day and throw rainbow parties all night. If Hillary runs for President, I won't be surprised when her people set up a triple-kiss photo shoot with Britney and Madonna. That'll definitely get people to the polls.

Back to the point. There is a strong contingent in American society which rejects the notion of gay marriage so much so that they want to pass a constitutional amendment preserving the union as guy/girl only. I think this is bullshit. Scientifically, we as a people agree that homosexuality is not a choice made on your sixteenth birthday, but a biological certainty like eye color and tit size. Should we pass a constitutional amendment that says women with size C tits cannot marry men with uni-brows and widow's peaks. Mendel would shit his plant pollinating ass. Somehow the more technologically advanced we become, the stupider we act. Now, more than ever, we know that homosexuality is not an active choice made to "ruin" nuclear families and spread communicable diseases. It's an alternative way of life controlled by genetics.

Somehow, we still cannot get over the thousand-year-old gay riddle but AMAZINGLY in our gay-bashing society, women can have abortions, guys can pay for sex (What happens on the corner of Crenshaw and Washington, stays on the corner of Crenshaw and Washington), and weed can be used for medicinal purposes (But don't even thinking about sucking that dick). "Not in my back yard. No seriously, can you just go somewhere else. I'm gay too, but this is my back yard man. C'mon. Aw jeez. Just mow the lawn when you’re done. HEY! That's not what I meant."

I guess the burning question in my mind is "What do you conservative right-wingers gain from suppressing gay marriage." I saw a picture in the paper showing the Louisiana legislature right after they passed a ban or at least thwarted an attempt to legalize gay marriage. Two lawmakers were high-fiving each other. Two lawmakers who are assumedly raging heterosexuals. HOORAY!!! We stopped other people from being happy! We passed a fucking Jim Crow law. Get off your high horse with your close-minded constituency and stand up for the American citizens you are trying to disenfranchise.

For God's sake the world is over-heating, our weapons stand ready to annihilate the entire planetary population, and millions die every day from poverty and disease. But you know what? Please, waste your legislative time and energy on keeping gays down. I think that's a great choice to make.