How to Befriend a Celebrity?


First of all this is not about name dropping. So I delivered a package to Minnie Driver's house in the Hills and rubbed elbows with Charlton Heston at a brunch. I don't boast about seeing Robert Downey Jr. on the boardwalk in Venice or running into Dustin Hoffman in an underground parking structure on Rodeo Drive. These aren't things I giddily post on the web to prove how well I'm doing in Hollywood. These are just cold, hard facts of my existence in the City of Angels. SO. Since I've proved myself as a celeb-magnet, I've got some advice if you wanna get down with the celebrities.

First, DO NOT recognize them. I know this seems impossible to do when you see Michael Richards walking down the street and all you want to do is yell "Kramer!!! Open this door in a funny way!!" However, this is the kiss of death in the celeb-meeting world. Pretend you are immune to the billions of dollars of advertising for their latest movie. You don't know and you don't care. I cannot stress this point enough. Should you engage with the obligatory, "I'm such a fan of your work on Smallville," you are guaranteed nothing more than a polite smile and a fleeting whiff of expensive cologne as your heart throb walks away.

HOWEVER, should you approach with a, and I know this is gonna sound crass, but, "This heat is really getting to my balls." Said casually like a good-ole-boy who's a-little-inappropriate-but-visiting-from-Delaware-so-who-gives-a-shit kinda way, you're in. By expressing discomfort with the temperature and quality management of your testicles, you shift focus off the celebrity's testicles (which are perennially under the microscope) and instead focus the limelight on your own embarrassing malfunctions. For the celeb with body issues, this deflection is like a cold glass of lemonade on a warm day with two ball ice cubes.

I can just see Russell Crowe responding to this statement. "Well mate. Maybe you should hit the head and give the twins a wipe or two." Now you've got him! He's jumping on your playful banter and instead of avoiding your fanatical stares across the room, he's actually waiting for your witty response. OK, focus. It is important you maintain your casual demeanor. No need to claw for a napkin-autograph or your camera phone. Rather, act as if you are talking to an old friend from high school. "It's my fault for wearing these goddamn boxer briefs. I never anticipate for the lack of air flow." Crowe chuckles at this quip much like he chuckles in minute forty seven of GLADIATOR. You notice this, but again do not acknowledge. Your predilection for roman gladiator films should never enter the otherwise healthy and developing repartee.


Now's a good time to acknowledge the obvious. If he is a famous face, say--Tom Hanks circa 1999--you've gotta recognize him at sometime. Surely you don't want to be branded the kind of person who is completely oblivious to pop culture. But always, always you need tact. Ask a casual question about some insider issue which shows not only are you familiar with their work, but you've been familiar this whole time; you've just been playing it super-cool. "I heard your son is gonna be in a movie with Jack Black." Nice. Concise. Playful yet respectful. Knowledgeable but not creepy. That's called the Orange County Special.

Now you guys have shared a moment. A real human interaction with a larger-than-life personality. But his limo’s waiting. Good luck with that perspiration he says. You awkwardly laugh too much at this parting quip. “Haha, nice talking to you.” And here’s the moment of truth. Do or die. Separating the men from the boys. Mano y mano. You say, “Shit. I think my ride left me. I’m sorry (to the celebrity) but could I borrow your phone for a second. Please. My hotel’s in Santa Monica.” Well what kind of a warm-blooded actor isn’t going to help you, the crazy Delaware guy, get back the Best Western? He hands over the Razor without thinking. Quickly you dial your own phone number. (Make sure your cell is on silent) Then when it starts to ring, hang up and look off down the street. Give the phone back and say, “I see them!” Jog away down the street and when you check your phone you have their cell phone number!!

You plan to prank call day and night with your friends, but then you realize they were actually pretty nice to you. You were conniving and manipulative and you stole their number but they were just happy to interact with someone on a human level. You name drop the story like crazy, but you don’t prank call because you finally met a celebrity, and found out he was just like you.