YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

For people who like eccentric (see: crazy) celebrities, Tom Cruise is a wet dream. One of those wake up in the morning, how did this happen, now I need to shower kind of dreams. The kind of Michael Jackson/George Michael/Pee-Wee Herman holy shit you guys make it too easy for Late Night jokes kinda dreams.

He keeps underhand-pitching us these comedic softballs. An alcoholic, minor-league prospect separated from the game for decades could hit these over the Green Monster.

My point is that he’s sabotaged his pre-constructed image as an American protagonist. He was a grinning everyman who could get the girl, save the world, and kick the bad guy’s ass. Now he’s tabloid fodder. He’s spawned more internet chatter than Vivid’s RAPES ON A PLANE (Starring Samuel L. Wackson).

Ok, I’m losing focus. The issue of today is where will Cruise go? Which studio will take him and what movies will he make?

Tom. If ever you can quiet the voices in your head, now is the time. Goodbye Xenu. Goodbye posthumous whispers from Goose. Is it clear? Totally? Ok. Listen up, baby. I got your next movie.

You play an aging actor who's loosing it. EVERYONE WILL SEE IT. The appeal of the real. Fact is always stranger than fiction. And make the actor a closet homosexual. Just for kicks. Seriously, if Tom plays gay, it might save his career. It would invigorate and reinvent his entire acting portfolio. Never has Cruise rebuked his critics in such a self-deprecating and intriguing way. Hollywood, make this fucking movie. Everyone in America knows the source material. He would finally win his Oscar. God damnit, can't you see this film could save your Days-of-Thunder, you-complete-me, Cocktail-swigging career. If ever you listen to me Thomas, listen now.

Maybe it's a comedy. We can see you behind the scenes, responding to the harsh and cruel media machine. We can humanize your struggle for acceptance and public support. We can re-create clever, but memorable versions of the Matt Lauer interview and the Oprah appearance. We can even use the Katie Holmes character. Obviously, she's not talented enough to play herself, but what if we got Amy Adams? She's talented, beautiful, and she's convincing as a naive young starlet who might stumble into the cesspool of commercial packaging and image control that is Hollywood. She might actually fall in love with the Cruise character who marries her and opportunistically uses her to maintain a successful and prominent heterosexual image. Cruise, Wagner. Tom, Paula. This is your next fucking movie. Don't let foolish pride blind you from your desire to make meaningful mass entertainment.

Rock Hudson waited too long to come clean. Right now you need to play up the gay issue. Maybe Paramount fired you discriminatorily. Ever think of that? Maybe this flick is like Philadelphia. It's a court room. You can do the whole "I want the truth" routine. Tom, listen. This is brilliant. Sheer genius. Do your realize I'm just giving you the biggest break of your life? I don't mind. I just want everyone to be happy. Make this movie. Call it Code Red, and fucking own it. If someone asks if you ordered the script for Code Red you better say "you're goddamn right I did." You better.

Who’s with me? I’m out to Peter Weir to direct. TomTom, call me crazy. Maybe I’m totally outta line. Maybe you’ll sue me and force me to shut down my free blog. Maybe this slanderous gossip is just what is so wrong with contemporary America. Or maybe, just maybe you’re about to win an Academy Award. Conceive, believe, achieve. Take a chance on me, Tom Cruise. Dream with me. WWLRHD?